Adventures in dating and Amy is still lying

So I have been trying the internet dating scene for the last few months. I have found it's not too different from real life dating. There is significantly less drinking involved during initial contact, but other than that it's still full of flirting, nice guys, interesting guys, funny guys, weird guys, and douchebags. This post will address, in addition to my friend Amy's lies, douchebags. Specifically, misogynistic, tightly wound, unappealing, emotional baggage toting, chauvinistic, needy, sexist, morally bankrupt, women/mother-hating douchebags.

Rather than working on work at my job this morning, I logged into my online dating account and perused the men who have been perusing my profile. Now, my profile is (I think) super cute and depicts me as the intelligent, independent, hilarious professional I am. Or at least strive to be. There isn't anything in there indicating that I would like to be the submissive partner to a whack-a-do alpha male. That is, in fact, one of the last things I am interested in. So when I received a polite, if boring, email from a potential suitor, I clicked through to his profile. I was so shocked at what I found, that I immediately copied it and pasted it into an email to my girlfriends:

 So I got a internet dating email from this guy this morning. It was a thoroughly polite, if somewhat boring, message that didn't tell me anything about him. So I go to look at his profile and this is that it says in the "About Me" Section. Please note, there is no other information about him where there are headers for "What I like to do," "My work," and stuff like that. 

I have not edited ANY of this copy .

I have a couple requests which shouldn't be hard to follow but if they are, you probably think you're a princess: 

 1. Regardless of whether I meet your unforgiving physical/sexual attraction standards on a first date, you should show the same respect I show you and avoid being rude, impatient, or texting your friends when I give you my full undivided attention. Such conduct will make me end a date immediately.
 
 2. Please don't cut a date short because I don't meet your unforgiving physical/sexual attraction standards within 5 seconds of seeing me. I've never been instantly attracted to any 
woman I've meet but still made a good faith attempt to connect and make the most out of a date. There's more to dating than sex.
 
 3. Please be prepared to pay for your share of food/drink/entertainment. If you "forget" to bring cash, then the date's over. 

 4. Please be willing to travel more than 2 blocks from your home to meet me. For people who are so passionate about travelling, you seem to make a major exception when dating.
 
 5. While I realize you people are busy with a combination of school, work, needy family/friends/roomates, weddings, moving every 3 months, birthday parties (or anything which will make you binge drink), funerals, and fufilling your obsession with travelling, please be prudent when communicating with me. This means responding to e-mails within 24 hours, texts and voicemails within a couple hours. If someone's truly into me, they'll never be too busy for me. 

 6. I look very young for my age, am very slender and am not as tall as I'd like to be. While I don't see these as faults, they are to the extent they make women insecure about their own appearance. Please overcome these insecurities when meeting me.
 
 7. Please accept the fact that I'm a well-intentioned, nice guy (but not a pushover) who can hold a conversation and is looking for more from women than sex. 

 These requests are in place to weed out the following women:
 
 1. Women who use online dating only for gratification by creating a world where they're always the center of and countless men chase them around. 

 2. Unevolved women who think it's socially acceptable to only be attracted to towering, steroid-infused, hot-headed, foul-mouthed men normally found in bars because of their overconfidence & intimidative dominance.
 
 3. Golddiggers 

 4. Women who only view nice guys as emotional tampons and not romantic partners.
 
 5. Women who are otherwise superficial, self-indulged, or feel they're better than others by merit of their gender, looks, or popularity on Facebook 

 I realize some of you may find the above condescending and misogynistic but please resist the urge to send angry e-mails or I will report you.

 Naturally, this has drawn some strong reactions from like-minded, independent, intelligent, hot, sassy girlfriends. Margaret said I shouldn't date him because he looks like a serial killer (true). Amy's response was somewhat different:

 I think you should go out with him. At the very least you'll have a good story!!

 Somewhat different=total opposite.

 That is a lie Amy! I should not date this future leader of the douchepocalypse! I would have to suffer through the date with him, looking old, haggard, and fat next to his young looking face and slender physique! He would balk at hearing about my family, work, hobbies, or any interests that are not him! I would have to keep my gold digging ways under wraps for an evening! I would have to refrain from using him as an emotional tampon! I would have to pay for my own drinks! (The indignity!) I would have to pretend this jerk off isn't a sexist, self-centered prick, but actually is a well-intentioned guy capable of holding a conversation.

 This might be your biggest lie yet Amy!! Why do you lie to me so?

Dancing Queen

Amy likes to tell me (and others, who remain anonymous) that she does not like to dance. Without a doubt, this is a lie. Here are 5 reasons why:


1.) Amy loves clubbing, as evidenced by her wardrobe of glittery clothes and leather skirts with zippers the whole way down.


2.) Nobody can do the Tootsie Roll like Amy.


3.) Amy plays music in her car and sings and car dances along to it. This is a super fun thing to do in the car and Amy loves fun (she has yet to lie about loving fun).


4.) Amy is constantly getting up on bars to shake her thing and show off her unparalleled moves. Would someone who hates to dance behave in such a way? I think not.


5.) And most damningly, Amy is getting married and having a band at her reception. Why? So she can dance!


Editors Note: Amy is now having a DJ at her wedding. So he can spin awesome, danceable tunes! (10/21/2010)

Karaoke

Amy told me she doesn't like karaoke. This is an outright lie. I know for a fact that not only did she participate in karaoke at her company's 2009 Christmas party, but it was country music and she line danced! There were formal rehearsals scheduled into her busy days ahead of time. If all of this doesn't point to a deep love of karaoke, I don't know what would.


Amy loves karaoke. If she ever tells you differently, it is a lie.

Halloween 2009

Text message received from one Amy at 1:09 AM November 1, 2009
(847): I think I might die.

False Amy! I just called you at your desk and you answered on the first ring! So you're not dead. But then you told me you died on Sunday and were resurrected. I said, "So you're Jesus?" and you said, "Yes!" and I said, "That's a lie, Amy!"

Why do you have to lie to me so much?