"Shots are a bad idea"

My friend Amy likes to unequivocally state, almost every time we go out, that "shots are a bad idea." 

And then she usually goes and buys some shots.  For herself and all of her friends (Amy is very generous).  And then, Amy is hungover the next day.  Is it the shot's fault? The draft beer perhaps? I don't think we will ever know. What we do know? Amy tells lies. 

This Is Just a List of Shots Amy Loves 

Buttery Nipples

Punishment Shots

(Amy is actually the reason these were invented!)

Jager Bombs

Body Shots

Cement Mixer 

(this one is gray and sludgy!)

Red Headed Sluts

Lemon Drops

Rumplemintz

Car Bombs

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

(because Amy loves to cook!)

Mind Eraser

Kamikaze

Jello shots

(as featured at Amy's bachelorette party!)

True or False: side hair is the worst thing EVER?!

False! 


Side hair, when styled appropriately, can be an elegant and classic alternative to more traditional chignons.  Amy has said, repeatedly, over and over that side hair is the ugliest hair and no one with any sense of style would wear side hair. Really, Amy? Really?

Because Duchess Catherine wore side hair last week! And everyone knows she is anything but ugly and un-stylish! 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am now going to go move my ponytail from the crown of my head to behind my left ear and put on a silly hat. 

Reasons I am not an Elf, Angry or otherwise

As a person who is rather diminutive in stature, I occasionally hear (supposedly) hilarious comments about my height.  Historically, most of these have come from my brother.  Several years ago, for reasons I cannot remember although I think we were in Galena, Amy referred to me as an angry elf. Like a toy-making, Christmas loving, Santa serving elf, but angry. After she called me an angry elf, I probably did get angry. But in a very human, non-elfish, kind of way. Here is a list of differences between me and an angry elf:

1. I am at least a foot taller than any elves. 
2. I do not subsist on the following four food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. I don't like syrup or candy corn. 
3. My ears are not pointy.
4. I do not wear curly-toed elf shoes. 
5. I do not know how to build or fix toys (or anything). Even the angry elves know how to build toys. 
6. While I do work for a white-haired old guy, it's not Santa Claus. 
7. I hate snow, while elves clearly love snow.
8. I do not look good in green.
9. I own no pointed hats with bells on the end. 
10. I don't live in/near a toy workshop.
11. I am afraid of flying reindeer.  
12. Santa's elves are not real. I am, in fact, a real girl. 

So in conclusion, I am not an angry elf. If you hear otherwise, I hope you know it's a lie.