Cake Is The Universe's Most Perfect Creation

Cake is the best food ever.

Cartoon cakes!

It comes in a variety of flavors, with different fillings, toppings, and frostings! Cake comes right-side up and upside down! Cake can be a billion layers thick or just one layer! Cakes come in all shapes! Cake has different levels of density! Some are light and fluffy and some are heavy and dense! There is even a cake based in cheese--cheesecake! Cake can be educational! It can be used to illustrate things like how fire breathing dinosaurs might look if they were made out of frosting.

A direct result of the Big Bang, cake is amazing. 

Amy told me that to eat cake after drinking is "gross."

I say this to Amy: That's not true. That is a lie! Some cakes even have booze right in them!

Would this margarita cupcake be complete
without tequila? Amy loves tequila!

And because I love you so much, be prepared for a surprise cake telling you that cake and booze go together like peanut butter and jelly, condoms and sex, Chicago and summer, or high school and plaid, at some point in the future. You are welcome, in advance, for this amazing cake.

Cake can be used to tell people things you aren't comfortable saying out loud. Like the future cake I will be giving Amy reminding her how good cake is after drinking.  Because just writing a blog post about is clearly not enough. 

Why Doesn't Amy Want To Be My Internet Friend?

I am a (somewhat) early adopter of new social media. I joined Facebook back when you still had to have a college email address, I've been on Twitter forever and I started using Pinterest last summer when there was no one interesting to follow. 

Most of my close friends (like all four of them) are not so enthusiastic about social media and I totally understand. When Facebook was new and shiny and called The Facebook, none of my close friends from home were on it. Scattered at colleges throughout the country during our senior year, I had to settle for stalking them via AIM. Post-college, they still didn't join. It was only years later, when it was not nearly as exciting or fun did my real life friends start joining the world of social networking.

It was February 2009 when Amy finally joined the modern world and got herself a Facebook profile. 

Being Amy, she immediately had about 372 friends. Oddly enough, I was not one of those friends. Amy didn't want to be my internet friend! When asked about this Amy said she, "couldn't find," my profile. Clearly, this was a lie. We have many internet friends in common. Amy just didn't want to be my internet friend.  

More recently, I have been telling Amy about Pinterest and how much she will love it. For months now I've been explaining pinning to her and using it as a recipe source (Amy loves recipes!). I have sent her several invitations. Amy never used these invitations, thinking pinning would be too big a distraction from schoolwork. Today, Pinterest suggested I start following her! Amy secretly joined Pinterest, and not only didn't she tell me, she didn't even follow me! Even though we're friends in real life, Amy doesn't want to be my internet friend and I can't figure out why. 

Maybe because I write about all the lies she tells me and put it on the internet? 

That can't possibly be it. 

"Shots are a bad idea"

My friend Amy likes to unequivocally state, almost every time we go out, that "shots are a bad idea." 

And then she usually goes and buys some shots.  For herself and all of her friends (Amy is very generous).  And then, Amy is hungover the next day.  Is it the shot's fault? The draft beer perhaps? I don't think we will ever know. What we do know? Amy tells lies. 

This Is Just a List of Shots Amy Loves 

Buttery Nipples

Punishment Shots

(Amy is actually the reason these were invented!)

Jager Bombs

Body Shots

Cement Mixer 

(this one is gray and sludgy!)

Red Headed Sluts

Lemon Drops

Rumplemintz

Car Bombs

Pineapple Upside Down Cake

(because Amy loves to cook!)

Mind Eraser

Kamikaze

Jello shots

(as featured at Amy's bachelorette party!)

True or False: side hair is the worst thing EVER?!

False! 


Side hair, when styled appropriately, can be an elegant and classic alternative to more traditional chignons.  Amy has said, repeatedly, over and over that side hair is the ugliest hair and no one with any sense of style would wear side hair. Really, Amy? Really?

Because Duchess Catherine wore side hair last week! And everyone knows she is anything but ugly and un-stylish! 

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am now going to go move my ponytail from the crown of my head to behind my left ear and put on a silly hat. 

Reasons I am not an Elf, Angry or otherwise

As a person who is rather diminutive in stature, I occasionally hear (supposedly) hilarious comments about my height.  Historically, most of these have come from my brother.  Several years ago, for reasons I cannot remember although I think we were in Galena, Amy referred to me as an angry elf. Like a toy-making, Christmas loving, Santa serving elf, but angry. After she called me an angry elf, I probably did get angry. But in a very human, non-elfish, kind of way. Here is a list of differences between me and an angry elf:

1. I am at least a foot taller than any elves. 
2. I do not subsist on the following four food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup. I don't like syrup or candy corn. 
3. My ears are not pointy.
4. I do not wear curly-toed elf shoes. 
5. I do not know how to build or fix toys (or anything). Even the angry elves know how to build toys. 
6. While I do work for a white-haired old guy, it's not Santa Claus. 
7. I hate snow, while elves clearly love snow.
8. I do not look good in green.
9. I own no pointed hats with bells on the end. 
10. I don't live in/near a toy workshop.
11. I am afraid of flying reindeer.  
12. Santa's elves are not real. I am, in fact, a real girl. 

So in conclusion, I am not an angry elf. If you hear otherwise, I hope you know it's a lie. 

It's science!

Something Amy and I have in common: a love of science.  We both love science experiments, performing them and being the subject of them. Most of our experiments are performed in bars and always end with someone saying, "No, it's science!"  A recent experiment Amy participated in, which led to more science, took place on Halloween. Colin hypothesized that by pouring the rest of the brandy in the sangria, it would taste better.  I couldn't drink it, but Amy drank a ton and loved every sip (much later, she had to go sleep it off Margaret's bed).


So Colin's hypothesis was correct. Sangria+More Brandy=Delectable Drinks


About halfway through our evening, and two thirds of the way through the pitcher of sangria, Amy declared to the room, "Dudes get morning wood because they have full bladders!" We all laughed and tried to argue with her that no, that's not why. However we didn't know the real reason. And while I'm a little fuzzy on how the conversation actually went, I do remember lots of emphatic head shaking from Amy and hearing her invoke the finality of, "No, it's science!" 


And while I thought this was another one of your lies Amy, it turns out this is only partially a lie! Morning wood, or Nocturnal Penile Tumescence as it is known in science, happens during the REM. REM sleep excites the brain while the body is in deep relaxation which can be stimulating for man parts. However, Wikipedia (the authority on all science) also tells me that there is evidence a full bladder can stimulate a reflex erection because of nerves in the spine. So, way to tell half the truth Amy! While I'm glad you didn't lie outright to me this time, you're suspiciously knowledgeable about the mysteries of morning wood...

You think your arm muscles are getting smaller and I think you're a liar!

Amy is totally ripped. She has the biggest, most ladylike guns ever. Amy is a prettier, younger version of Popeye, and doesn't even need the spinach boost! Awhile back, she told me, "I think my arm muscles are shrinking!" Amy was very deeply upset over these recent (imagined) developments, but because I am an amazing friend, I made her feel so much better when I called her a liar. Because her arms are still cut. And then, because Amy is such a good friend, she punched me in the arm. With her "shrinking" muscles.  It still hurt a lot and left a big mark.

As this illustration clearly depicts, Amy is a big, strong, muscley liar. Aren't you Amy?